The other day a very well-meaning friend reminded me that even though I am over weight I shouldn’t give up hope of dating. Remember, she said, lots of men our age are over weight too! The harder she tried to comfort me the deeper she dug the pit!
I am so very aware that I am not in shape and have not been working out lately. I am grateful that I haven’t gained more weight during this lazy period. The thing is though, I know from past experience that if I start going to the gym or making myself run because I feel bad or because I’m hoping it will gain me a date or a husband that I will only make myself more miserable. I know that I am capable of working out, long and hard, in abject misery as I recount all my flaws and that I will never be good enough. At least not until I can have an airbrush artist magically transforming me moment by moment.
I know that if I can recapture that sense of joy that comes natural as breath when I’m feeling good that I will enjoy working out. I will actively seek out the endorphins and the limits of my ability, not in a self-abusive ritual but in a self-empowering one! I know that it looks the same from the outside but I also know that the two are night and day! I have punished myself for being less-than so thoroughly in the past that I want no more of it!
So yes, I am over weight and worse I lack muscle tone. But I know this will pass sure as spring coming and I will again stretch my limits and discover my boundaries and I will explore with the joy of a child. I know that I have to trust this process and the wisdom of my body. I wish I knew when this tired, shut down feeling was going to be over but I do know that my body moves in rhythms that have their own wisdom and today I”m going to respect that.